Black Dwarf: The Bookshop at the End of the Universe
by WhenWorldsCollide2
Summary: What if the characters from the short-lived series Black Books (without which we wouldn't have Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Paul, Run Fat Boy Run, Scott Pilgrim VS the World, The World's End, etc.) found themselves on a certain small red mining ship? Also includes prequel featuring the biggest Smeg Head in the Galaxy!
1. Chapter 1

The door unlocked with a resounding clang and swung open. Out came a tall, long-haired man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, matching shorts, and plastic sandals, who paused for a moment to look very confused and acclimatize himself to his situation. He was standing in a military-grey corridor stretching out in front of him, the floor covered with white powder.

"Good morning Manny, it is now safe for you to exit Stasis." A cheery female voice spoke from an unidentified source.

"But I just got in." he said.

"Please make your way to the Drive Room."

"I've only just got in." repeated Manny. He shrugged and walked down the corridor, then turned around and headed back the other way, turned left at a junction and found himself in an examination room. There was some more white powder on the floor, which he tentatively poked and, concluding it to be safe, tasted.

"Where is everybody, Fran?" asked Manny.

The answer echoed across five miles of empty corridor.

"They're dead, Manny."

Manny dropped the white powder. "Who's dead?"

"Everybody, Manny."

Manny started running down a corridor. "What, everybody?"

"Yes everybody, everybody's dead Manny." Fran was starting to sound exasperated.

Manny turned a corner and pelted down White Corridor 159, passing a large selection of books stacked higgledy-piggledy by the wall. "What, Tim?"

"Yes Tim, everybody!"

Manny stopped in an elevator and pressed a button marked "Floor 1". He then spent several minutes checking his watch, coughing, looking around at walls and mirrors, and tapping his wrist to some light music.

When the elevator stopped he continued to the Bridge. "Mike?"

"They're all dead, everybody's dead, Manny!" Now she was definitely showing signs of exasperation.

"Not Paul?"

Fran's frustration was definitely showing now. She made a sound like a person breathing in sharply. "Oh for god's sake. Yes, Paul, everybody. Everybody's dead, Manny."

Manny stopped, panting, and pulled out his inhaler. "Brian?" he asked between puffs.

"He's dead, everybody's dead, dead, Manny, everybody is."

"Even Bernard?"

"He's dead Manny, everybody's dead!"

Manny stopped. "Wait a minute. Everybody's dead?"

Fran snapped. "Manny, if you ask me one more time if everybody's dead, I will open all airlocks and flush you into space."

Manny entered the Drive Room and sat in a chair. On the many TV screens dotted around the control consoles the head of a mid-30s, dark haired woman floated against a black background.

"What happened?" asked Manny.

"Alright. So you remember those Drive Plates, the ones you and Bernard were supposed to be fixing?"

Manny thought for a second. "The Drive Plates? The Drive Plates… Yes, I remember the Drive Plates."

"Well," Fran continued, "it turns out they weren't actually repaired properly, and there was this Radiation surge…" she started cackling inanely, "And this is the funny bit- it killed everybody!"

Manny stared despairingly at the computer interface. Then panic started to set in. Fear, loneliness, resentment, and finally slightly peckish. He pulled out of his pocket a book marked "The Little Book of Calm" and flicked through it for some helpful advice.

"Stroke… stroke a…. no… trifle, eat a trifle, no, no, eh… ah! Visualize the ocean."

Manny started flailing about and shouting as if he was being tossed around by a strong current. Sensing this was not helping, Manny rechecked the book. "Oh, calm ocean." Manny took a deep breath and sighed. Fran coughed. Manny picked up more white powder and tasted it. "What is this powdery stuff, Fran?"

"That was Sgt. Mike Watt."

Manny froze, then quickly tried to put as much of the powder back as he could. "Oh. Sorry, Mike." He turned to Fran. "Hang on a minute. How long have I been in stasis?"

Fran thought for a moment. She started clicking, while a pair of hands appeared on the screen and counted up. Eventually she said, "Round about Three Million Years."

Manny looked back at her blankly. "…" He couldn't take it in. Three years seemed a long time. Three Million! He couldn't think of a Million things. Maybe, at a push, about ten things, but after that his brain would start to cloud over and he would have to retreat to his little hideaway to make himself a Crisp Sandwich. Crush crush crush, num num num num num. Three Million!? He had trouble remembering where he left his house keys half the time! Three Million!?

"Uh."

Fran looked apologetically back at him as he pulled a paper bag out of his pocket and started blowing. "Sorry. I had to wait until the radiation was at a safe background level before I could bring you out. Now I know this may all come as a shock, but honestly I'm sure you'll get over it."

Manny slumped on the desk. "How did you get over it?"

Fran took a long hard gulp from a bottle of wine on the screen. "How the Smeg do you think? I drink 'till I'm p*ssed every night!"

Manny sank back into his seat, deflated. "Oh, god. Three Million Years with no-one to talk to but you."

"Actually," Fran interjected, "that's not strictly true."

In marched a man, also in his 30s, with a messy gorse of black hair and a look in his eyes of complete scorn to everything that dared cross his line of vision. Right now he was looking, full-blast, at Manny.

"You Judas! You Iago! You Space Gandalf!"

Manny stared at the apparition standing before him trading insults. "Bernard, you're alive!"

Bernard gave himself a facepalm. "No actually, I'm dead. How are you?"

"What?"

Bernard looked at him resentfully. "Yes, that's right. I'm actually, physically dead. It's not so funny now, is it? There I was, worrying myself into a shrivelled husk, while you were in there having your tan done." Bernard brushed his hair back to reveal a shiny Roman-font H on his forehead. At once Manny nodded in understanding. This was not Bernard L. Black. This was a projection of his physical presence coupled with Dolby sound and a psychological profile based on a brain scan taken when he first joined the Space Corp. – in short, this was a Hologram of Bernard L. Black.

"What are you doing here, Bernard?" Manny stood up, walked across the room, and programmed the dispenser for soup.

"I'm haunting you, that's what I'm doing. I'll bet anything you just did this to annoy me."

Fran piped up at this point. "Bernard, you were always complaining about Manny. You said he ate Frosties too loud."

Bernard raised his hands in self-defence. "He did! If he'd wait one minute to let the milk sink in- but no!" He tried to pick up a wine bottle on the middle table. His hand passed straight through it. He tried again several times, before eventually came to the conclusion that "Being dead is a real drag."

Manny stepped over the white powder on the floor. "Look at this place. It's like Dresden back here." He took a sip from his soup and walked to the other end of the room.

Bernard looked in his coat pockets for a packet of Cigarettes. "The place isn't that bad."

Manny came back in from the corridor. "Didn't you have a cat?"

Bernard snapped to attention. "Oh yeah. Where'd he go?"

"I found him."

"Nipsy! Brilliant." Bernard made to go see Nipsy but Manny blocked him. There was a loud clattering noise.

"No, no. You don't want to see him."

Suddenly, in burst what appeared to be a well-dressed man with sharp teeth, howling "Aiow yeah! Oooh whee! How am I lookin'?" He pulled a small mirror out of his breast pocket and checked his reflection. "I'm lookin' nice!" He then realized he had company. "Uh oh."

Bernard yelped and ran for a chair, hoping to swing it at the Cat. Being a Hologram, he passed harmlessly through the chair, lost his balance, fell through the Cat, and knocked himself out on the wall.

Manny looked to Fran. "What's that?"

Fran looked at Manny. "Hmm? Oh sorry, I was just thinking. Anyway, Nipsy was safe from the radiation leak in the hold, and that creature in front of you is the result of Nipsy's descendants cross-breeding for Three Million Years."

Manny held out his hand. "Hello, mister… Cat."

Cat looked at his shoulder. "Whoah! Crease!" From thin air appeared an iron he used to iron out the crease.

Manny looked Cat up and down. "So that's what happened to Nipsy. But where are all the other Cats?"

Bernard lifted himself up off the floor. "Who cares? This is insane! Let's just get rid of it!"

"Don't call him 'it'". Fran said.

"I don't trust it! It has no nasal hair! It's probably not even a nice cat, it's probably a bully, he probably sprays everywhere! Come on, he's begging you to do it. No-one needs to know." He imitates cocking a rifle and pulling the trigger. "Bada-bing, bada-meow!"

"No," Manny said, "we'll take him back with us to Earth."

"Earth? EARTH? You want to go back to Earth!? How do we even know that Earth still exists? For all we know it might have been invaded by heavily armed mutant creatures, Zombies, Cyborgs and PE Teachers!"

Manny necked his soup. "I don't care. I say we go. If there's one thing I know about this crazy Universe, it's that knowing is definitely better than not knowing. Fran, set course for Earth."

Bernard tutted to himself and sat down in the Captain's chair. He fell straight through it and landed on the floor. Fran shrugged. Cat preened himself. Manny looked quietly out of the window. The road back would be a long and bumpy one, and the company left a lot to be desired, but that was just the way it was. All he could do was make the best of it for the time being. Because the one thing they would never run out of, Manny thought to himself, was time.


	2. Chapter 2

Three Million Years earlier…

Black Box Recording 52169

Video: On

Sound: On

Playing

CAM661K 02:38PM. BERNARD and MANNY are sat in the cinema waiting for a film. ARNOLD comes in and sits down.

ARNOLD: Er, excuse me.

BERNARD turns to look at ARNOLD.

BERNARD: Yeah?

ARNOLD. There's no smoking on this side. You should be sitting over there.

BERNARD turns back to the screen.

BERNARD: Ah, don't worry about it. Go and get me a drink sometime.

ARNOLD: Look, put that out or move!

BERNARD turns back to face ARNOLD.

BERNARD: What for? Nobody's complaining.

ARNOLD: Yes they are, I am. So, would you kindly move back to the proper designated smoking area for the convenience of other patrons.

BERNARD blows a smoke ring at ARNOLD's face. ARNOLD coughs.

ARNOLD: Right. You're on report, me laddo.

ARNOLD whips out a notebook and pen and starts scribbling rapidly. BERNARD mimics this. After a few seconds, ARNOLD notices this.

ARNOLD: (testily) You are treading a very thin line, me laddo. I'm not going to stand here and be insulted.

BERNARD: (calm) Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small, quirky tavern in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here, in this dump. But it was not to be, so… hop it.

BERNARD turns back to the screen. ARNOLD gives him a nasty look and walks out.

MANNY: Bernard-

BERNARD: (testily) Don't start, people-lover.

CAM159K 02:45. MANNY is sitting at the control consoles in the DRIVE ROOM, drinking soup. EVAN comes in.

EVAN: Manny, a word.

MANNY turns around, stands up, and follows him out of the room.

CAM192L 02:46. MANNY enters EVAN's office.

EVAN: Sit down, Manny.

MANNY and EVAN sit down. EVAN looks distastefully at the soup pot.

EVAN: What's that you're drinking?

MANNY: It's soup. (pause 3s) It's extra chunky.

EVAN looks at the offending soup pot.

EVAN: What's in it?

MANNY: Chunks.

EVAN looks back to Manny.

MANNY: Do you want the McKintyre Accounts? I've got them on disc. I would have e-mailed them to you, but… there was a lot of… clink on the… stuffer… expander… and… plug went in some Tizer-

EVAN: I see!

MANNY jumps back in his seat.

EVAN: I took a risk with you, Manny. I took a risk when I gave you a job. A lot of people would have said "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?" But I saw through that. But you have to work for me, OK?

MANNY: OK. Thank you, Evan.

EVAN: (cheerily) OK.

MANNY gets up to leave.

CAM431R 03:11. BERNARD is sitting in the BUNKROOM talking to FRAN.

BERNARD: I'm not doing my exam.

FRAN: Why not?

BERNARD: (tetchy) Because you can stick it up your arse!

BERNARD flails his hands in the air to emphasize the point.

FRAN: Bernard, you'll just have to do it yourself. It's quite easy.

BERNARD sits up straight.

BERNARD: (muttering) Yeah, I'll give it… give it a go. I'm sure I could… could muddle along, actually.

CAM431R 03:16. BERNARD is sat at his desk staring at the exam.

BERNARD: (manic) WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? The WHAT!? What does the red spectrum tell us about… Quasars… WHAT?

CAM431R 03:17. BERNARD is slumped back in his seat, blowing his exam sheet into the air.

CAM431R 03:18. BERNARD is standing in front of a large pile of socks.

BERNARD: Right, that's all my socks paired. Back to the exam.

CAM431R 03:19. BERNARD is speaking over the phone.

BERNARD: Hello, Ma? It's Bernard. (pause) No, nothing's wrong. (pause.) Come on, I don't need an excuse to call my mother now, do I?

CAM431R 03:19 (11 seconds later). BERNARD is showing stress while talking on the phone.

BERNARD: I know, I am, yeah. I know. Yes. Yes. I will. Ha, yes. (angry) Yes! I know. Yeah. OK- (shouting) Goodbye, I have to do my test!

BERNARD slams the phone down.

CAM431R 03:27. BERNARD is leaning on the sink holding the examination paper, wearing sunglasses. FRAN dissolves onto the mirror screen.

BERNARD: Fran! Just pop some Fizzigood in the dispenser thingy.

FRAN: (confused) What?

BERNARD: Fizzigood. Y'know, Fizzigood make feel nice.

FRAN: Oh, Alka-seltzer.

A packet of tablets appears in the dispenser. BERNARD grabs it, opens the lid and necks the entire bottle. FRAN moves back from the screen in surprise.

FRAN: um… how was… how was your night?

BERNARD: Hmm? Oh, just my usual night out. Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours. Hung out with a Simulant, got a job at the Big Bang Burger Bar, you know, the usual.

FRAN: Ah. (cheery) So, finished with your exam?

BERNARD: Not yet. I'm turning it into a rather smart casual jacket.

FRAN: (mild irritation and humorous) Bernard! I mean, it's probably a very nice jacket, but what are you going to do about the exam?

BERNARD: I don't know! Will you do them?

FRAN: (concentrating) Oh well, look, you've got that wrong for a start, 'cause you divide by ten there- (indignation) oh, no, no, no, I'm not doing this. I have to give all my attention to minding the onboard repairs. There's a faulty Drive Plate in White Corridor 159 that needs fixing.

BERNARD: What's this now – blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-yah-yah-blah-blah… "Exemption Clause, person suffering from short or long-term sickness or injury may defer their examination until such time as"… Wait a minute… "Exemption Clause, person suffering from short or long-term sickness or injury may defer their examination…" (laughs).

FRAN: No, no, give it up, Bernard. No, you'd have to really cripple yourself. You're hardly gonna do that just to avoid taking an exam.

BERNARD grins manically.

CAM431R 03:28. BERNARD is drawing a line across his hand with a black marker pen.

CAM431R 03:29. BERNARD is holding up an electrical meat cleaver over his hand.

CAM431R 03:32. BERNARD, arm in a sling and covered in bandages (but no missing limbs), is sitting in a chair, leg on a makeshift hobbling post, holding up a hammer.

CAM431R 03:36. BERNARD now has his foot in a cast and a plaster on his right thumb and is pacing around the room.

CAM431R 03:41. BERNARD is lying in bed with a large bandage around his forehead.

CAM431R 03:42. BERNARD bolts upright.

BERNARD: (manically) Food… food…

BERNARD forages around the room. He comes to the sink and picks up a ceramic mug and a coffee jar. He picks up a spoon, takes a spoonful of coffee and deposits it in the mug, and pours the hot water in the kettle in the coffee jar and drinks it.

CAM169H 03:43. BERNARD breaks into the ventilation shaft outside his quarters and climbs in.

CAM431R 03:44. MANNY comes into the room.

MANNY: Bernard? Have you got… oh.

MANNY sits in a chair and hums to himself. There is a rustling in the cupboard by the sink. MANNY, curious, gets up, walks over to the sink, gets down on his haunches, opens the cupboard door and pulls out a cat, NIPSY.

MANNY: Where'd you come from?

ARNOLD is passing by when he idly looks in and sees MANNY holding the cat. ARNOLD looks with a large grin and starts writing in his report book.

MANNY: (sighing) Ah.

RIMMER creeps up behind MANNY.

RIMMER: (smug) Ah, naughty naughty, mister Bianco. Breaking Quarantine? Ooh, that's a six-month stasis sentence at least!

MANNY turns around.

MANNY: What? But… this isn't mine-

NIPSY jumps out of MANNY's grasp and runs off.

CAM192K 03:46. MANNY is sat in EVAN's office. EVAN is staring at MANNY with his arms folded.

MANNY: I think we should talk about this.

EVAN: (serious) I need a sign, Manny. A sign that you can change. I need you to do something for me.

MANNY: What?

EVAN: (hoarsely) I think you know.

EVAN walks to the far wall and presses a button. A red light clicks on illuminating the inside of a machine in the wall looking similar to a microwave.

MANNY: What, you want me to cook you a pasty?

Another red light comes on illuminating the word "Disintegrator" over the machine. MANNY recoils.

MANNY: Gargh!

EVAN: (dramatically) The cat, Manny!

MANNY: (pleading) No!

EVAN: It's a wall between you and the officers, between you and me, between YOU and the future!

MANNY: Not the Cat! Can't we talk about this?

EVAN: (hoarsely) The time for talking is over. It's time.

BRIAN comes in holding NIPSY. EVAN passes NIPSY to MANNY and leads him to the Disintegrator. MANNY looks down at NIPSY in self-pity, then back to EVAN. EVAN nods solemnly.

MANNY: Evan, please, this is something I have to do myself.

EVAN nods sympathetically.

EVAN: Of course.

EVAN and BRIAN leave the room and close the door behind them. MANNY places NIPSY in the Disintegrator and closes the door.

MANNY: (sobbing) Oh! No, no, no…

MANNY pulls the Disintegrator door open, pulls NIPSY out, opens a vent grill and lets NIPSY out through the vent.

CAM159K 03:49. EVAN and a small group of officers are waiting outside the office.

EVAN: How are you doing in there, Manny? (pause) We're all rooting for you out here.

After a second, EVAN knocks on the door.

EVAN: (urgently) Manny?

EVAN knocks even more.

EVAN: Manny!

Finally, EVAN bursts through the door.

CAM192L 03:49. EVAN bursts through the door and sees that it is completely empty.

EVAN: (shouting in rage) MANNY!

CAM431R 03:49. MANNY runs in out of the corridors and finds BERNARD lying in bed.

MANNY (shocked) Bernard! What happened to you?

BERNARD: (weakly) Manny, I don't feel so good. Like I've been beaten up… underwater. I can feel bits of my brain falling away like a wet cake.

BERNARD has a hacking cough and sits upright.

BERNARD: (hoarsely) I HATE wet cake!

EVAN comes in menacingly.

EVAN: Manny!

MANNY and BERNARD turn to face EVAN.

EVAN: (hoarsely) Come here!

MANNY: (terrified) Bernard, he wants the cat!

BERNARD slides himself out of bed.

BERNARD (weakly, becoming stronger) How dare you?

EVAN looks quizzed.

BERNARD: Don't you touch a hair on this boy's head. Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human plaything! You quart-brained little cream puff!

BERNARD swings his fist at EVAN, misses the mark completely and topples over.

CAM431R 03:52 TIM leads MANNY to the STASIS ROOM.

TIM (sadly): Manny, if it's any consolation, I know what you're going through right now. I mean, when we got Colin, I was scared stiff of dogs. But it just doesn't feel the same now he's gone.

MANNY: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

TIM: I just want you to know, I'd probably do the same in your position.

MANNY: Thanks.

TIM opens the door and MANNY steps in. TIM solemnly closes the door.

TIM: Fran… activate Stasis.

FRAN: Yes, Tim.

TIM waves and walks away. Within seconds MANNY is frozen in time.

CAM557H 04:17. MIKE is sitting in the SECURITY ROOM. He puts his mug down for a moment when he sees NIPSY on the monitor running around in the STORAGE AREA.

MIKE: (sighing) Awww.

MIKE then realises what this means and jumps up, spilling his coffee in the process. While he mops it up, a warning light lights up next to a label marked "Drive Plates". Another one in "Core Overload" also lights up. Assuming it to be the result of his clumsiness, MIKE shrugs and continues mopping.

TO BE CONTINUED IN THREE MILLION YEARS.


End file.
